BFF's

Captain Chaos has a mate - a mate the same age, the same size and just as wild as the Captain himself.

We'll call him Master Blaster.

The Master lives about 8 houses down from us, and I thank god every day that Mumma Master is a shit talking, beer drinking, barely maintaining the minimum sanity level required Mum just like me. She's my god damn kindred spirit!

So because our kids are the same age, and god knows misery loves company we see a lot of each other, and the boys love it.

 Awwww So cute!

 Errrrmm, that's not as cute...

 Oh god, there's douche-baggery afoot!

Yup.... what on earth must my neighbours think....

It was at this stage Captain Chaos, when told to hurry up and get his pants back on, exclaimed:

"Or what will happen? You'll smack our bums and willies??"

Don't tempt me boy....

Of course she just thinks they're HILARIOUS

This sums them up completely.

God help the school when the arrive together next year.

Tandem Toilet Training...

Like a Baws!

Where's your crown King Nothing??

So Captain Chaos has had a real dose of attitude lately, and EVERYTHING is met by eye rolling and back chat.

It has, not surprisingly, been driving me mad because I am the Queen of Fucking Everything and do not tolerate insubordinance well - I keep telling him that he lives under a Monarchy, not a Democracy, and that he  needs to watch his sass mouth.

He generally responds by telling me that I'm lame, before running for his life into the laundry before I paddle his butt.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle with an undersized teenager.

Sometimes, just sometimes though, kids will do something so gold that you have the chance to store that sweet sweet memory away and hold it over them for the rest of their lives.

Like the time (at swimming lessons) and they were asked to hold their arms out straight and pretend that they were either a robot or a ballerina, and Cam yelled out 'I want to be a Ballerina!'

Or the time we were shopping for shoes for him to wear to daycare, and he picked out a pair of bright green heels.

Or the time he was telling me his plans for when he's an adult, when he would live with his friend (Who we'll call Master Blaster) and while the Master would have a really pretty girlfriend, Captain Chaos would have a kitten.

(Actually I'm seeing a pattern here.......... )

Anyway, I thought I had another chance to store one of these blackmail gold moments away the other day when he was in out lounge playing some sort of wild spinney game with a couple of balloons in his hands. I carpe diem-ed and asked him 'Are you being a ballerina??' to which he looked at me as if I was completely stupid and replied
"Mum... I'm SPINNING ELECTRICITY!"
rolled his eyes at me and continued spinning.

Apologies Mr Tesla..... I'll never call you Angelina Ballerina again......

But for all his toughness, big mouth and bad attitude, sometimes he's just awesome

Big enough to roll his eyes at my sweet booty dance.

Big enough to tell me it's a Merchy (Lambourghini Murcielago) on his jammies and not a Ferrari.

Big enough to tell me I've parked on the wrong side for the gas filler cap.

Still little enough to totally enthralled and fall asleep holding a helium balloon.

Don't grow up too quick little man.

Farming..... it's not gone well...

So Captain Chaos and I went to help a friend out the other day moving a mob of cattle from one paddock to another about 1500 metres down the road.

Captain Chaos got to ride on the motorbike with Liane to chase the herd out of the paddock - a job he took to with much gusto and enthusiasm.

I had one job. One. Make sure the cows went the right way down the road towards the new paddock.

These are dairy cows, so they're used to people, they know where they're meant to be going and they're quite friendly and mailable when it's moving time. All good. How hard can it be?

Well they got to the gate, I tried to call them my way but instead of quietly following me down the road they decided to up the game plan:

Yup, about 300 of them (May be a slight embellishment... I didn't actually count them..) boosting in the opposite direction....

So I tried:

Shouting at them and flapping my arms like a retard, but that only made them run faster towards the chicken farm down the road.....

So I had no option - I had to chase them.... But this didn't work either....

So more running, more flapping, more cows, more running, some pooing, more swearing until....

 

Nothing but cow arses, disappearing into the sunset.

 

 

 

At some stage Liane must have thought - What the fuck is she doing?? Why is she chasing them TOWARDS the chicken farm - but when you're old, fat and in gumboots it's actually surprising hard to outrun an old, fat non gumboot wearing cow. So while it LOOKED like I was chasing them, I was actually stopping them... by chasing them until they died of exhaustion... or succumbed to my will.... or something..... I think they were actually starting to relent to me.....

 

 

 

or not.......

 

Anyway, Liane managed to ride her motorbike like a cowboy cussing and swearing and beeping until the cows thought 'oh shit, she means business' and they came back the right way.... and ran straight back into the paddock they came from.......

 

This was serious.... we had to involve..... the dog.....

 

Except we didn't have any real farm type dogs, so we had to make do with these guys....

 

 

Down trodden dog and Captain Chaos....

 

and Fluffy Dog

 

Needless to say Captain Chaos is a pretty poor dog, and down trodden dog is terrified of cows. Fluffy dog put in a big effort, but when you look like a muddy slipper its hard to be taken seriously by 500kg of unruly cow.

 

Eventually we got them out of the paddock, and turned the right way down the right road, where they happily followed me down the road to their new paddock with stupid:

 'but we've always been mates, haven't we??'

looks on their faces... clearly they were in awe of my awesome animal wrangling power. Either that or it was because I was in Liane's Ute, and they associate that with food....

 

So after all the excitement, I was tired and sweating, Liane was muddy, down trodden dog was exhausted after walking a MASSIVE distance from the side of the road to the middle of the road to get onto the motorbike, and Captain Chaos had the greatest time of his life.

 

 

 

 

"Mum, can we go farming every day??"

 

Sure son, how hard can it be??



 

 

 

 

 

 



Captain Chaos Pulls a Prank

So I had a disaster tonight - the kids were in the bath and suddenly the smoke alarm starts SCREAMING and I click - oh hell, the spuds have boiled dry and are burning!!

So I gallop out, rescue my pot off the element and dump the pot into the still full sink of dishwater, burning my arm and steaming up my glasses in the process.

I swear like a pirate, wet a tea towel and wrap my arm, ditching my glasses in the process, all the while there's a steady stream of chatter and giggles coming from the bathroom.

A bloody curdling scream comes from the bathroom 'LUCY POOED IN THE BATH!!!!'

I gallop in, sans glasses, and sure enough it's full of brown floaties.

I pull Lucy mths out of the bath, she screeches at the injustice of being pulled out of the bath, I wrap her in a towel and yell at Cam - GET OUT! THERE'S POO IN THERE!!!

He looks at me, smiles, picks a floaty up and pops it in his mouth, declaring 'mmmmmmm, delicious poo!!!'

I gag, yell some more, he laughs, Lucy screeches, I pull the plug, RIP him out of the bath and wrap him in a towel, gagging and heaving at the side of the bath. That's when I see the packet on the bathroom floor. Fredo Frog Chocolate buttons - the same buttons I bought him for being a good boy this afternoon, the same buttons that were floating in the bath.

So doesn't he just think he's HILARIOUS!! He was right chuffed at his HILARIOUS prank, Lucy was still struggling with the injustice of a short bath and I'm desperate for a smoke.

Mothering. If you don't laugh you'll cry.

Comedy Gold

Ok, I've been very crook the last couple of days with a wicked dose of Strep Throat, so it may be the codeine talking, but Man Captain Chaos has been coming out with some pealers today.

I asked him if he was ready to come inside for and help me pick up the toys strewn throughout the lounge room. He told me "Mum, I was BORN ready!"

While breaking up some sort of wild game in the laundry I greeted the urchins with:
"What are you up to Beavis and Butthead??"
and he told me "I'm not a Beavis!"
(no, no you're not, Butthead....)

and while heading outside to play his favourite game of 'train driver' up and down the driveway I sprung him taking off his pants.... apparently train drivers have 'Hot Hot Bums' so have to drive with their pants off.... (looks like I'll be paying more attention to the train drivers bums from now on!)

Honestly where does this crazy crap come from? he's unintentionally hilarious!

Quitter!

SO I quit smoking yesterday.

Yup, at 1 pm I had my last durry.

So I've been smoke free for 21 hours.

AND I WANT A SMOKE SO BAD!!

I look like this:

and the kids look like this:

So every time I'm seriously missing a smoke I do 10 press ups.
So far today I've done 90.

I look like this:

Man I'm gonna have some sweet guns by the end of this.

Saint Michael joked that he was going to buy a packet of smokes, hide them in his truck and use them to bribe me for marital favours.

I'm pretty sure my face implied I didn't find him funny.

But then I thought about it....

.... if he DID buy smokes....I'd steal them... and smoke them...

Mwahahahahaha!!



*sigh*

22 hours down! The rest of my life to go!