Random Soundbites

Language is a funny thing.

It's especially funny when there's kids trying to figure English out.

Miss Mischeif : "Mum! I did a cough and a hic-up at the same time! I did a Cock-Up!"

Cpn Chaos: "I'm writing songs for my band. One's called 'Magic of the people' and this one's called 'Custard Mash'"

MM - "Mum! I hit my boggin...... " *wailing and clutched forehead*

CC - " My favourite Movie is Smackame Do"
(he meant Despicable Me... I have NO idea where his translation came from)

Sometimes he comes out with things that are just damn creepy:
"I wish we had one of those funeral cars, then we could drive around with a box of skin in the boot"

and Finally - My wee Punk Princess:
"Nah Nah na-na, Na Nah Nah Na-na - I wanna be so naked"

What do you want to be when you grow up?

What do you want to be when you grow up Captain Chaos?

"A speed camera"

Do you mean Police officer?

"Nope. Speed camera"

The guy who sits in the van running the camera?

"NO! The camera - Look, I'll show you........"

A speed camera. Sometime between now and the start of his working life he's going to become an inanimate object. Nice.

And Miss Mischief? What are you going to be when you grow up?

"The boss of Speed Cameras. "

One of THOSE days

We had an important appointment today - Captain Chaos had an appointment at the hospital to *hopefully* get referred to someone who can tell me why he's so fricking WEIRD and hopefully get some supports in place to help my wee man at school. He turned 6 yesterday, and he's already getting worryingly behind in things like reading an writing. And yet he can sit for hours designing an electricity factory that produces wireless delivery for power. I dunno - is he Autistic? ASD? ADD? Dyslexic? From another planet? Stay tuned....

Anyway, back to my story.

SO I pulled big kid out of school early, little kid out of daycare, took a day off Polytech, washed car, washed hair, shaved legs, fuelled car, packed handbag, moved money around accounts (hey, the 100 km round trip to town and the chance to shop without needing to get groceries is a luxury, k?), sorted tea, hung out washing, piled kids into car, headed down the road. Stopped. Went back to house. Retrieved cell phone and tied up dog. Took little kid to toilet. Re loaded car. Went down the road.

Thought to myself  - "I better check that letter to make sure I know what department we're going to"

Saw date.

19th of March.

NEXT Wednesday.

NEXT week.

Not today.

NEXT week.

*sigh*

NEXT week.

BFF's

Captain Chaos has a mate - a mate the same age, the same size and just as wild as the Captain himself.

We'll call him Master Blaster.

The Master lives about 8 houses down from us, and I thank god every day that Mumma Master is a shit talking, beer drinking, barely maintaining the minimum sanity level required Mum just like me. She's my god damn kindred spirit!

So because our kids are the same age, and god knows misery loves company we see a lot of each other, and the boys love it.

 Awwww So cute!

 Errrrmm, that's not as cute...

 Oh god, there's douche-baggery afoot!

Yup.... what on earth must my neighbours think....

It was at this stage Captain Chaos, when told to hurry up and get his pants back on, exclaimed:

"Or what will happen? You'll smack our bums and willies??"

Don't tempt me boy....

Of course she just thinks they're HILARIOUS

This sums them up completely.

God help the school when the arrive together next year.

Tandem Toilet Training...

Like a Baws!

Where's your crown King Nothing??

So Captain Chaos has had a real dose of attitude lately, and EVERYTHING is met by eye rolling and back chat.

It has, not surprisingly, been driving me mad because I am the Queen of Fucking Everything and do not tolerate insubordinance well - I keep telling him that he lives under a Monarchy, not a Democracy, and that he  needs to watch his sass mouth.

He generally responds by telling me that I'm lame, before running for his life into the laundry before I paddle his butt.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle with an undersized teenager.

Sometimes, just sometimes though, kids will do something so gold that you have the chance to store that sweet sweet memory away and hold it over them for the rest of their lives.

Like the time (at swimming lessons) and they were asked to hold their arms out straight and pretend that they were either a robot or a ballerina, and Cam yelled out 'I want to be a Ballerina!'

Or the time we were shopping for shoes for him to wear to daycare, and he picked out a pair of bright green heels.

Or the time he was telling me his plans for when he's an adult, when he would live with his friend (Who we'll call Master Blaster) and while the Master would have a really pretty girlfriend, Captain Chaos would have a kitten.

(Actually I'm seeing a pattern here.......... )

Anyway, I thought I had another chance to store one of these blackmail gold moments away the other day when he was in out lounge playing some sort of wild spinney game with a couple of balloons in his hands. I carpe diem-ed and asked him 'Are you being a ballerina??' to which he looked at me as if I was completely stupid and replied
"Mum... I'm SPINNING ELECTRICITY!"
rolled his eyes at me and continued spinning.

Apologies Mr Tesla..... I'll never call you Angelina Ballerina again......

But for all his toughness, big mouth and bad attitude, sometimes he's just awesome

Big enough to roll his eyes at my sweet booty dance.

Big enough to tell me it's a Merchy (Lambourghini Murcielago) on his jammies and not a Ferrari.

Big enough to tell me I've parked on the wrong side for the gas filler cap.

Still little enough to totally enthralled and fall asleep holding a helium balloon.

Don't grow up too quick little man.

Farming..... it's not gone well...

So Captain Chaos and I went to help a friend out the other day moving a mob of cattle from one paddock to another about 1500 metres down the road.

Captain Chaos got to ride on the motorbike with Liane to chase the herd out of the paddock - a job he took to with much gusto and enthusiasm.

I had one job. One. Make sure the cows went the right way down the road towards the new paddock.

These are dairy cows, so they're used to people, they know where they're meant to be going and they're quite friendly and mailable when it's moving time. All good. How hard can it be?

Well they got to the gate, I tried to call them my way but instead of quietly following me down the road they decided to up the game plan:

Yup, about 300 of them (May be a slight embellishment... I didn't actually count them..) boosting in the opposite direction....

So I tried:

Shouting at them and flapping my arms like a retard, but that only made them run faster towards the chicken farm down the road.....

So I had no option - I had to chase them.... But this didn't work either....

So more running, more flapping, more cows, more running, some pooing, more swearing until....

 

Nothing but cow arses, disappearing into the sunset.

 

 

 

At some stage Liane must have thought - What the fuck is she doing?? Why is she chasing them TOWARDS the chicken farm - but when you're old, fat and in gumboots it's actually surprising hard to outrun an old, fat non gumboot wearing cow. So while it LOOKED like I was chasing them, I was actually stopping them... by chasing them until they died of exhaustion... or succumbed to my will.... or something..... I think they were actually starting to relent to me.....

 

 

 

or not.......

 

Anyway, Liane managed to ride her motorbike like a cowboy cussing and swearing and beeping until the cows thought 'oh shit, she means business' and they came back the right way.... and ran straight back into the paddock they came from.......

 

This was serious.... we had to involve..... the dog.....

 

Except we didn't have any real farm type dogs, so we had to make do with these guys....

 

 

Down trodden dog and Captain Chaos....

 

and Fluffy Dog

 

Needless to say Captain Chaos is a pretty poor dog, and down trodden dog is terrified of cows. Fluffy dog put in a big effort, but when you look like a muddy slipper its hard to be taken seriously by 500kg of unruly cow.

 

Eventually we got them out of the paddock, and turned the right way down the right road, where they happily followed me down the road to their new paddock with stupid:

 'but we've always been mates, haven't we??'

looks on their faces... clearly they were in awe of my awesome animal wrangling power. Either that or it was because I was in Liane's Ute, and they associate that with food....

 

So after all the excitement, I was tired and sweating, Liane was muddy, down trodden dog was exhausted after walking a MASSIVE distance from the side of the road to the middle of the road to get onto the motorbike, and Captain Chaos had the greatest time of his life.

 

 

 

 

"Mum, can we go farming every day??"

 

Sure son, how hard can it be??